Ever had that moment of realisation where you suddenly see that gap, the huge chasm between where you are and where you want to be? Like you suddenly woke up and saw your life as it really was and it’s not good, you think “How the hell did I get here? How did I let this happen?” And it’s not pretty, in fact it’s very, very messy – full of tears and accusations, self-blame, “I should have known better” or at least that’s how it was for me. 

I’d been on my own for a while, lonely, wanting a relationship, feeling like that would fix how I was feeling, fill the hole I felt in me and I’d drifted into a relationship of sorts with an ex from many years ago. You know the story, a Facebook friend request pops up and you think “What’s the harm, we’re different people now, it’s so long since we were together, we can be friends now”. Yeah, right! Despite my own misgivings, what I knew from the past, I ignored my gut because I wanted to believe he knew me, he wanted to be with me and it was easy to be together, no ‘telling your story’ or having to explain yourself to a stranger and hope they’d like you and want to know more, to get to know you and stick around. And so, I found myself ‘dating’ without the dating, without the romance, yes there was some excitement of the early morning text messages and the late-night chats that were intoxicating, I felt like he was always thinking about me. I let myself believe I was important, even though I never met the kids and he put nights out with his friends over making arrangements with me. He was a busy Dad and had to prioritise them over me, right? Until I bumped into him taking another woman to the cinema – of course she was ‘just a friend from work’ . Then there were other similar incidents or times where he just went AWOL, off-grid and couldn’t be reached. It was all on his terms and never on mine, I was well and truly side-lined. Cue the tears and recriminations and the a-ha moment of ‘I’ve done this to myself, I knew what he was like, I saw the signs and I ignored them, still went ahead and hoped for something different, thought somehow I could change the outcome, change him. Sound familiar?

But it wasn’t him who needed to change, it was me. I had to wake up to myself and how I wasn’t loving myself and as long as I continued to let this happen, to accept this behaviour, nothing would change, I would be deeply unhappy and further away from what I wanted than ever. So, I made a vow to myself there and then amidst all my tears, to start learning to love myself. To believe in myself and to trust my gut rather than ignoring it, hoping for it to be wrong.  

I started to look for ways to feel better about myself, I went for reiki sessions where I felt something shift and I cried and I remember saying I felt ‘like a radio transmitter’, I was starting to pick up on energies outside myself and I felt a little bit better temporarily, but it didn’t touch the sides, it didn’t shift that physical pain I felt in my shoulder, that tightness and tension that was ever-present and could easily be dialled up but very rarely seemed to dial down. So I tried EFT, I learned to meditate, I found a spiritual book group and a community, I started to learn things, to feel a little peace, feel a little bit better. I discovered NLP and how easily I could transport myself to a moment of connection, of resourcefulness, of remembering who I was and that I had good things to offer the world, I wasn’t a failure. I reconnected with me in some way. And there was still a huge gap between the me I was then and who I wanted to be, who I am now, but it was the start of beginning to close it and it’s led me to where I am today, helping others to close the gap between where they are & where they want to be. 

Have you ever had a moment like that, where you feel like you’ve woken up in a life you didn’t choose? Or perhaps you realised you couldn’t keep hurting yourself anymore – something’s got to change and you’re the only one who can make it happen? I know it feels very lonely but you don’t have to do it alone. If this sounds like you, let me know. We can have a chat and I might just be the one to help you find your way back to you.